Along with a whole host of other details that are often overlooked when it comes to preparing a child custody agreement, is the child custody exchange. People rarely consider the pitfalls associated with the child custody exchange when your ex-wife or ex-husband is one of the high-conflict variety, but they are important to plan. For those who are currently going through a high-conflict divorce or have lived through a high conflict divorce and custody battle, you probably already understand how frustrating, and even frightening, these exchanges can be.
So, what preventive measures can you take to remove the risk and the frustration associated with improperly planned child custody exchanges that are also not provided for in your child custody agreement? There are many answers to that question. Your options to maximize your safety, the children’s safety, and minimize opportunities for conflict are many. We’ll suggest a few here.
- The “No-Contact Child Custody Exchange
- The Highly Public Location Child Custody Exchange
- The Police Station Child Custody Exchange
Before I summarize each, the one place you should avoid having child custody exchanges is at one or both parents homes. You’re unlikely to have readily available witnesses. You’re likely to be at the highest risk of poor behaviors from the high-conflict ex when you’re on their turf (or they’re on yours). Remember, the goal is to maximize safety of everyone and to minimize the potential for conflict.
The No-Contact Child Custody Exchange: This one is perfect for school-aged children and any number of different custodial arrangements. The best example we can give for this is with a weekday child custody exchange that is done at school. For instance, making exchange day a Friday or a Monday allows for each parent to have maximum weekend time for the child. More importantly, it means that neither parent has to encounter the other. Parent A drops the child off at school in the morning and Parent B picks the child up at the end of the school day. No muss, no fuss.
The Highly Public Location Child Custody Exchange: Like it or not, big brother or big sister is always watching us. There are public cameras proliferating throughout the nation. If you look around during the course of your day, you’ll see them – everywhere. When your ex is high-conflict but also still concerned with appearances in public, pick an appropriate child custody exchange time along with a well-traveled public location. A supermarket or mall parking lot is almost guaranteed to not only have security cameras everywhere, but a lot of foot traffic with people going into and out of the stores. With all those eyes around, outrageous outbursts are far less likely to occur without there being a lot of witnesses and the potential for repercussions for the high-conflict ex-spouse.
The Police Station Child Custody Exchange: When you truly fear for the safety of yourself or your children, have had to endure a physical and/or verbal assault, or have otherwise been threatened with harm – your local police station is an ideal place for a child custody exchange to maximize your family’s safety. While we have occasionally received feedback from people who have been told by their friendly neighborhood police department that they don’t allow or won’t allow child custody exchanges at the station, the fact remains that police stations are a public location. It is their job to protect and serve. Further, they literally cannot stop you from doing so. The bottom line is the response time for an unfortunate event occurring at the police station is going to be faster than it would be anywhere else. If you have reason to truly fear your ex-wife or ex-husband could violate the law during a child custody exchange – make the child custody exchange location at the law’s parking lot. Better still, the public lobby of the police station.
There are a number of other methods to keep yourself safe, protected, and have evidence if something bad should happen during a child custody exchange. Today, we simply wanted to cover the actual child custody exchange location options that are far better than “home” if you’re ex-partner is a high-conflict personality.
good ideas for a bad situation. when i was a kid and my parents got divorced my dad just sort of showed up at our house [his old house] and my mother just glared at him, they called each other a few names and the arguments began. a real fun time for us, all of us. it must have been miserable for my father and mother, i know it was for me and my brothers and sister. in those days divorce was not so common as it is today and i don’t think they figured they had any alternatives.
I have a problem, well this is one of many problems. When my Ex and I first seperated she lived like 30 to 45 mins away from me, but once her most current boy friend left her she moved back in with her parents which is 125 miles from my house (a good 2 and a half to 3 hour drive). When she moved out there it was agreed that we would meet about half way, but this has happened only once since this has all started. So lately when we exchange the kids I have to take about 6 hours out of my day and on average $60.00 each trip for gas/food/drinks and not to mention the extra wear and tear on my car (1988 ford taurus). Now I am not one for confrontation, and another of my pit falls is I am too nice my friends and family say I need to take A hole classes but I just cant seem to be like that. What can I do, or are my pit falls going to forever hold me back?
Even though the police station and their employees, who are on the payroll of taxpayers’ residents, supposed to serve needs of taxpayers, I witnessed the opposite. My friend who took me once with him at the police station to obtain filed complaints made by his ex-wife, received unwelcome service by a female individual, employee of the police station, who are or were in a conflict custody her-self (it’s a public record). Before that, when my friend for the very 1st time asked for those complaints, he had denied those documents by the same female; however, my friend learned about “Right to know act” and had to advise this “law-watching” female that he has this right. Instead of her informing/serving the community and telling him that he needs to file “Right to know” form in order for the police station to release those complaints, she gave the whole attitude saying that police station is not the place for wife-husband retaliation. To which he said that “they” (same police station employees) allow his wife continuously file fraudulent (having no support basis) complaints without any problems. On the day when I became a witness, my friend came with the form to receive complaints. There were 6 listed out of which 2 were under criminal investigation. When my friend asked if he can speak to an officer who is on this case, the female employee raised her voice in a very attacking manner and without responding to a question screamed that no one is going to change anything on the reports. I was shocked to this service to this day. Then few days later, when my friend went to pick up his child for 2 hours visitation (I was not there, but after witnessing what happened, I believe him 100%), he told me that his ex-wife had the same female employee by her side “protecting” from anything could happened. Just for the record, my friend has no records of drug or physical abuse, has government clearance, and very people friendly. The child was sleepy for the 2nd time in a row. Therefore, my friend asked his wife in their native language why the child is sleepy? Then, he asked his 3-year-old son whether he’s tired. To which, police station female employee ordered to speak English as they are on the property of the police station and said that she spoke to the child before and he understands English well. To which my friend said, he will be speaking to his child in the native language as this his comfort level. All this is outraging! In my opinion it is an intervention with the custody time. It is unconstitutional to “order” to a free citizen in which language to speak to his son. Moreover and in my opinion, this lady overstepping her authority. What can be done in this situation? One of the solutions is to change custody location to other public place. The problem is, the Mall, which is near the station, closed at 6pm as the most of the public places, the time of the exchange. The parties are allowed to be late 10-15 min depending on the traffic condition.