• My ex lets the children watch television excessively.
• My ex lets the children stay up to late or puts them to be too early.
• My ex lets the children play video games way too much.
• My ex lets the children watch PG-13 or R rated movies on occasion.
• My ex doesn’t discipline/reward the children in ways I approve of.

When it comes to custody evaluations, which are, more and more, becoming an integral part of child custody proceedings, it’s much better to go into the situation with the mindset of focusing on your positives; your parenting skills, your efforts to cultivate and assist with developing the relationship between the children and the other parent.  Yes, even under high-conflict child custody and divorce circumstances, it’s beneficial for the children to be shielded from the conflict and positive relationships encouraged between them and both parents.  This will go a long way to maximizing your parenting time and win child custody.

Spending the bulk of your time on “smaller issues” in an effort to portray your ex-partner in a negative light will almost always fail in a child custody evaluation.  Worse, it can project to the custody evaluator an image of you as being uncooperative and unwilling to foster good communications and relationship between the children and your ex-spouse.  Genuine, serious concerns should be articulated.  They need to be balanced with a high focus on your excellent parenting qualities and demonstrated past  efforts to keep that relationship between the children and your ex-partner growing.  The only way your ex-partner’s negative behaviors are likely to impact a custody evaluation is if you can reasonably demonstrate potential serious harm to the children’s health, safety, and/or well-being.

Now, let’s not pretend to believe that some of the issues we’ve referred to as “smallish” aren’t legitimate to some degree.  They  very well may be.  The point is that you have an extremely limited amount of time with a child custody evaluator.  Your time needs to be spent wisely with a focus on high-level issues and being able to demonstrate that you are a quality, qualified parent with the knowledge, skills, abilities, and love to have a maximum amount of parenting time with the children.  Save your venting about the lesser issues for friends, family, a therapist, or support group (for example).

When we say that the custody evaluation is a “No Judgment Zone” - we temper that with the knowledge that you will obviously have some issues that are of serious concern that need to be articulated and hopefully addressed.  Avoid value judgments or moral judgments about issues that are not central to child custody.  Remember that your discussions should lean towards highlighting your excellent qualities.  Be prepared to discuss the issues about which you and your ex-partner disagree regarding parenting the children.  Rest assured, the custody evaluator will ask direct questions that you’ll need to answer regarding your concerns.  Remember which ones are critical to your case and which ones are not.

The impact from false allegations is almost always swift and severe. A devastating weapon it quickly cuts the targeted parent from the household, the life of the false accuser, and the lives of the children during child custody proceedings. Since most law enforcement and family court entities tend to “err on the side of caution” - a mere allegation sets in motion arrests, incarcerations, restraining orders, and more. Parents, usually fathers, are separated from their children for extended periods of time. When they are finally exonerated, that often doesn’t end the maltreatment and suspicion in the form of supervised and brief visitations with children going on for months or longer.

The victim of false allegations in child custody situations frequently suffer:

• Job loss, which isn’t always restored after vindication
• Loss of contact with children
• Arrest and incarceration
• Loss of home or access to the marital home
• Restraining orders
• Loss of any future custody of children

The false allegation of child abuse is the single most effective and the swiftest tool to gain control over the custody of the children.  Temporary orders have an innate way of turning into permanent orders.  This is especially true if the accused has limited resources available to obtain quality legal representation for a protracted legal battle in defense of themselves.

With one very poor decision, the false accuser will efffectively destroy the their spouse’s or ex-partner’s life, their career, and their relationship with the children will forever be negatively altered.  Further, the children will have to endure multiple interrogations by authorities and child welfare workers, and in the case of false accusations of sexual abuse, invasive examinations that will impact them psychologically.  All of this is done in an effort to win child custody.  It’s also very sad.

It is critically important that if things are becoming very contentious between you and your spouse/ex-spouse that you do everything in your power to avoid putting yourself in a position where a false allegation of abuse might take hold.  Always maintain your self-control.  Be respectful and courteous in your communications with your ex-partner no matter the circumstances.  If you are accused, take the accusations seriously.  Don’t agree to settle for lesser charges in exchange for little or no jail time.  You’re innocent.  Regardless of the impact on your future, avoid being labeled a child abuser or child sexual predator with everything you have.  Get an attorney and don’t talk to the police without legal representation.

For example, in many child custody cases, a mother’s tendency is to focus on all things financial. Some of it may be due to earning a lower wage than the father or perhaps they’re not working at all. Some of it may also be due to the beliefs that are often propagated by society that women are owed for past wrongs done to them on a macro scale - gender discrimination, a woman’s “place” is in the home, the belief that women will automatically end up impoverished after divorce. This mindset drives some to go for as much money as they possibly can obtain during divorce and child custody proceedings.

For men in child custody cases, a father’s tendency is to, yes - you may have guessed it, focus on all things financial. Aside from the fact that they, too, have to figure out how they will arrange their caretaking activities in the aftermath of the divorce, they know that too often the focus of the family court system is their ability to pay and not how much time they are entitled to have with the children (and the children with the father).

A common myth among too many in our society is that “…fathers only want more custody time with their children so that they don’t have to pay as much child support.” Interestingly, this mindset is offered while completely ignoring that an equally plausible argument can be made that the only reason mothers want primary custody or sole custody is so that they can maximize child support.  The two are not mutually exclusive and yet you’ll rarely hear someone say, “The only reason the mother wants to minimize the father’s role in the children’s lives is so she can get the maximum amount of money.” It is one of the great many double-standards in situations where parents want to win child custody at any cost.

Both of these assumptions can consume fathers and mothers in the middle of a child custody fight.  The reality is that two loving parents are faced with forever having less time and less involvement with their children and that is a very sobering reality to any loving parent.  The financial issue is one that is easy to toss in either direction while we lose sight of the fact that both sides fear suffering the loss of daily contact with their children, with fathers with a far greater likelihood of suffering that loss.  The reality is, this loss of time faces both parents and is often the driving factor behind the fight.

This is each parent’s reality.  Can you take the time to reflect on the possible perspective of your ex-partner?

There are those parents out there who believe that they have been so wronged (either real, imagined, or some combination thereof) that no amount of consideration will be given to the other side.  That happens and it’s out of your control if you’re the target.  Still, understanding what your ex-spouse’s perspective is, maintaining focus on what is most important to both you and them goes a long way towards discovering potential negotiating points.

We strongly believe shared parenting works.  We believe in laws that make the primary focus a rebuttable presumption of equal custody.  We don’t suggest that anyone who is a loving, caring, willing, and able parent should ever negotiate away parenting time in a child custody matter that would result in less than 50/50 custody if that’s doable.  Children need both of their parents for the maximum amount of time that is feasible.  So, when it’s time to consider negotiating for more parenting time during child custody proceeding, you may want to consider adjusting (or not adjusting) child support figures if you can afford it, at least temporarily.  It might mean getting additional parenting time and allaying the fears that the other side won’t be able to make ends-meet.  Perhaps it means agreeing to sign the child up for a certain extra-curricular activity.  Maybe it means helping out with an emergency bill.

While we understand that this comes across as paying ransom in order to obtain additional parenting time with your children - we also understand that sometimes having some wiggle room for negotiating is worth it depending upon your circumstances.  Sometimes, when you take the time to see things through the eyes of your ex-partner, absent all of the emotion and acrimony, you’ll discover negotiation opportunities or other positive situations where additional parenting time is achievable where it might not be via litigation and the decision of a judge.

Oh - and yes, we also know that there are plenty of people out there with whom there is no satisfactory negotiation, settling, or improving either the post-divorce relationship or child custody arrangement.  Still… periodically take the time to consider and assess your ex-partner’s perspective.  Things could change.

When we speak of the need for an aggressive child custody attorney, we qualify that need by defining the overall features of the aggressive attorney:

1. The attorney must have plenty of experience with high-conflict divorce & child custody.
2. The attorney must be well-versed in personality disorders and their role in contentious litigation.
3. He must clearly demonstrate an understanding of what’s at stake for your family.
4. She must listen to you at least as much as she talks.
5. Suggestions for a settlement that leaves you far short of at least a goal of equal custody should be very low on the priority list.

Many parents end up throwing away thousands of dollars on attorneys whose approach are passive.  They are unwilling to ask tough questions during examinations.  They often don’t listen to what they’re clients have to say or are asking.  They are quick to suggest a settlement far below your child custody expectations to take the retainer and move on to the next client.  If an attorney utters the phrase, “…this is the best deal you’re going to get…” - they’re probably not trying hard enough.  Consider that if you’re a father, you generally has at best a 10%-20% change of obtaining equal custody or better in the majority of contested child custody cases.  Therefore, going through a child custody hearing and losing will generally not leave you with a whole lot less child custody than a passive attorney is telling you is “the best you’ll get.”

Find, research, and hire an attorney who is on the aggressive side.  They should primarily, if not exclusively, practice family law, child custody, and have many years of experience in that area.  Ask for client referrals.  If an experienced child custody attorney exceeds your financial threshold, at least be sure that you leave your meeting with a good sense that he or she is aggressive and will fight to win child custody for you.

Don’t be afraid to conduct a solid interview of those you believe will suit your needs.  When you find candidates, research them:

• Yes - “Google” them.  Find their law firm, their biography, their experience, etc.
• Find out what law school they attended and check their rank.  Click Here: U.S. News & World Report Law School Rankings for 2010.
• You get what you pay for in most cases.  So check where they advertise and how much.  Of course there will usually be a direct correlation between advertising and their fees, so be mindful of budget as you’re making your assessment, too.
• Verify posted “testimonials” by getting referral information, if possible, on previous clients and follow-up!

Do whatever due diligence is necessary to make the most informed decision about your legal representation.  Most middle class divorcing parties can expect to spend tens-of-thousands of dollars on a protracted legal battle with a high-conflict, extremely litigious ex-partner.  Keep this in mind.

Be wary of any attorney is too quick to ask you to settle for something less than you feel is appropriate.  If there is any question in your mind that your child custody or child support “settlement” circumstances are unfair and not the best you can get, consult with another attorney.  For most people, financial resources are not unlimited.  Work to walk that side of the line that is spending appropriately and not cross over to spending wastefully.

Don’t let your attorney drag you into the trap of allowing the usual custodial arrangement to occur.  If you truly believe that the “usual” custodial arrangement is not what’s is best for your children and your family’s future, then fight to maximize yours and win child custody - the maximum you can make happen.  An aggressive attorney who is not out to bankrupt you as a priority will work within the financial constraints you have in order to get you the best child custody arrangement possible in your specific circumstances.

It is understandably difficult when a relationship has become irretrievably broken.  It’s at least as hard for the children born of that relationship.  Even though you and your partner have ended your relationship, their relationship with the children has not ended.  It will, however, be different, and be tied to some child custody arrangement either court ordered or via a parenting time agreement between the parties.

Despite the differences that you may have with your ex-spouse, you must recognize that the children deserve a relationship both with you and your ex-partner, and as equally as possible absent good reasons that go beyond the usual relationship disagreements.  Child abuse, substance abuse - something serious would justify the minimizing or ending of a relationship between children and their parents.  They also need to know that you will not love them any less for loving the other parent.  Be encouraging and help to cultivate a positive relationship with the other parent.  We completely understand how difficult an undertaking this can be, particularly if your relationship with the other parent remains high-conflict after everything has essentially been settled.  Manage your emotions, your words, and even your facial expressions in the company of the children when the other parent is the subject matter.

Being positive can be easier than you think when you allow the feelings of the children to take priority during any given situation.  When you can set aside your bad feelings in order to affirm, validate, even revel in the children’s feelings about the other parent, it becomes easier each time.  Things like…

• Smiling, nodding affirmatively, and using positive language when they are excitedly sharing a positive experience they had with the other parent.
• When you talk to them when they are with the other parent, use positive words and phrases, such as , “I look forward to seeing you next week!” instead of, “Awww, I miss you so much.” The former offers positive, exciting feelings.  The latter, sad and depressive feelings.
• When you are aware of special plans that are forthcoming with the other parent, assist them in doing some research on their vacation or field trip and encourage excitement and anticipation.
• Be the one to verbalize a reminder to give the other parent a call because the kids are notoriously absentminded when it comes to situations like that.  Just do it a single time during each custody period.  That’s enough to plant that seed of cooperation.

In each of the above scenarios, you’ve set aside your feelings about your ex-partner in your child custody situation.  Instead, you’ve focused on generating excitement and positive feelings in the children about the other parent that they love.

Remember, your children grow up.  They realize and know more than they let on and their knowledge and memories increase as they get older.  When you can create a system and habits whereby your are primarily positive and encouraging about the things that they do and the communications that they make with your ex-partner - you create the memory for them that you did go above and beyond to make their lives better.  This happens regardless of most efforts of the other parent, even when they are less inclined to return the favor.  We see this result all the time and many involved with mrcustodycoach.com have even experienced this despite widely varying child custody arrangements.  Oh, and it goes almost without saying that family courts look favorably upon such actions, too!

While the family court systems haven’t yet caught up to the statistical realities that are a result of two active, willing, loving parents in children’s lives - things are changing slowly for the positive.  More legislation is being introduced and some of it is becoming law - rebuttable presumption of equal custody (shared parenting) is making inroads.   Keep doing the right things for your children and maybe someday we’ll see broader  child custody changes that will give children the active involvement with their parents that they need for the best possible chances of future success.

Parents need to be extra vigilant and avoid speaking poorly of the other parent.  Parental alienation (PA or PAS) isn’t always overt and obvious.  Sometimes, it may not even seem to be intentional.  It’s normal to think bad thoughts about your ex-partner when a relationship goes bad.  It’s natural to have some ill-feelings towards your ex-partner when you’ve had to “battle it out in court” in order to get meaningful parenting time with your children.  If you didn’t feel mad, angry, sad, and similar after such an experience, some might think something was wrong with you.

Expressing your feelings is quite appropriate.  It’s where and how you express those feelings that will keep everything on the home front the way it should be - safe, loving, and without a lot of anxiety.  The places you might consider venting about your situation must, first and foremost, be far away from any chance of the children overhearing.  No need to jeopardize your child custody arrangement and risk violating your child custody order at the same time.  Friends, therapists, counselors, priests or other clergy are great places to shed those feelings of ill-will you may have lingering about your ex-partner.

Your failure to control your feelings when within the presence of your children will have potentially negative consequences for the kids, in addition to your child custody arrangement if rising to the level of parental alienation.  Consider:

• Children love both parents and your negative words will cause them to feel hurt for both of you.
• The children may learn to dislike or even “hate” the other parent due to your lack of self-control.
• The children may develop a fear of the other parent (or even you) and start acting out during child custody exchanges or at one or the other household.
• The children may develop an unusually critical attitude towards you, your ex-partner, and others, too.
• The children may slip into depression and anger and act out physically towards others at home or at school.

Remember, too, that children learn that they are supposed to be the best of both of their parents.  When you denigrate the other parent and the children can see or hear it - you need to understand that, in their minds, you’re speaking poorly of what they believe to be a part of themselves.  They begin to self-identify with whatever criticism you let fly in front of them.

Now, all of this is especially tough if you’re dealing with an active parental alienator.  Parental alienation takes a lot of work to counteract and can cause a great deal of frustration.  Along with all of the other changes you’ve needed to make in your life, a greater level of self-control is necessary to avoid perpetrating parental alienation yourself, even if it may be occurring against you.  Always remain positive in front of the children.

When things do settle and both parties come to understand that the children of the marriage will need parenting until the age of 18 (at least), it’s time to turn your focus towards co-parenting arrangements.  While this may have been difficult in the middle of a contentious divorce case, once everything has been “settled” - it’s time to move on with living your life and raising the best children you possibly can within the framework of whatever child custody order or parenting agreement you’ve gotten.

Be sure to make the conscious decision to avoid being judgmental of the other parent’s efforts and avoid fighting.  Make those days part of the past and it will reduce your stress levels and those of the children.  Remember, we want them to grow up happy, healthy, well-adjusted young men and women.  These two tips are probably the most vital.

Keep communication lines open.  You’ll be in regular contact regarding all events associated with the children, including school plans, extracurricular activities, successes and failures (rewards and punishments), covering each other when circumstances arise and so much more.  If you keep these communications brief, informative, and factual - you keep the risk of problem communications very low.  Treat it almost as if you were preparing the next shift of worker for what took place during your period of work to give them the best possible understanding and chance to succeed during their shift.  Yes, co-parenting after divorce is certainly analogous to shift-work.  Call it “shift-parenting” if you will.

Be respectful and reasonable in your dealings with the other parent.  Always remember that your children have their eyes and their ears on you.  Both parents should be working to set the best possible example for interpersonal relations.  You are their heroes even after the family breaks up and how you treat others will be the lead that they follow regardless of the child custody arrangement.

For more information, see our Top 10 Co-Parenting Tips for Low-Conflict Divorce & Custody

It isn’t enough to successfully defend yourself over and over again in court against false allegations and unsupported commentary about your parenting interests or abilities.  Oftentimes, you have build a fairly significant case against your ex-partner.  The unfortunate reality is that courts continue to award child custody primarily to mothers in over 80% of contested child custody cases.  Unless a mother is demonstrably an unfit parent, most fathers still can expect to be relegated to a non-custodial parenting arrangement.  Beyond that, only when a significant change in custodial circumstances such as a major medical situation, an incarceration, a proven child abuse situation has occurred, etc. may there be a reason to award child custody primary or solely to a father.

Absent those circumstances, you have to be able to demonstrate your excellent parental fitness while at the same time proving your ex-partner’s lack thereof.  It’s the saddest and most aggravating part of the Family Court System.  The adversarial system almost necessitates this approach when the divorce and child custody circumstances are high-conflict.  It takes a lot to demonstrate to a court that a mother is unfit.  We simply refer in this case to the mother because we already know that fathers get little custody in the overwhelming majority of contested cases as it is.  We assure you it’s not because 80% of fathers are unfit, unwilling, or otherwise unavailable to serve a meaningful parental role in their children’s lives.

As absurd as some of the following scenarios may seem, these are situations where parental fitness may (yes, we say “may”) be called into question:

• Arrest and conviction for substance abuse, DUI (usually with the kids), or other felony conviction.
• Children missing substantial time at school without justification, risking truancy and educational failure.
• Institutionalization for mental health issues.
• Repeatedly proven issues associated with Child Protective Services interventions.
• Homelessness.
• Repeated contempt of court issues, particularly if they’re related to custodial interference or parental alienation issues.
• Showing up intoxicated in court or otherwise acting-out in court in some significantly outrageous manner.

Beyond those issues or similarly significant situations, creating your case for parental unfitness requires you to  support your contention with objective evidence.  This doesn’t mean hearsay or unfounded accusations.  You will need provable issues that demonstrate a potential danger to the children’s well-being.  In addition to some of the items in the above list, consider some of the following:

• Constantly moving around town, changing schools, inability to maintain a stable residence.
• Romantically involved with partners with criminal records or a penchant for introducing an ever-changing number of romantic partners to the children.
• Always leaving the children with daycare providers or friends and family members to excess (child abandonment).
• Smoking around children in the automobile or in the home when the children have respiratory issues (and sometimes even when they have no respiratory-related health issues).
• Frequent custodial interference situations or withholding child custody from vacations which have been planned and paid for, holidays or other special occasions.
• Improperly maintaining health care and/or dental care for the children.
• Physical or sexual abuse situations involving the parent or romantic partner, friends, family of the ex-spouse.

The most important thing is that immediately upon the initiation of a divorce action against you which involves children, you have to start keeping a record, a journal, something that documents everything you’ve experienced or are otherwise aware of daily.  If nothing unusual happens on any given day - just make a note of it and move on.

In addition to that, you need to be able to compile additional objective evidence that will help you to win child custody.  They may be police reports, medical reports, arrest or conviction records, background checks performed on new romantic partners, and so on.  Compile a list of witnesses to events that will support your allegations.  Further, compile a list of witnesses that your ex-partner may use against you and why for your attorney.  The level of attention you pay to your own case in conjunction with a quality attorney and your best behavior is what will give you the best possible outcome.

All of these efforts will make it significantly easier to prepare for your court testimony.  These efforts will aid in the preparation of petitions, pleadings, and other related legal documentation for your legal team.  (It will cut down on costs, too!)  Finally, familiarize yourself with some of the legal proceedings.  If you have the opportunity, visit family court and sit in the gallery and watch how things go.  Go online and review your state’s child custody and child support laws.  All of these efforts help make you the best prepared witness for your own case and help you to maximize the amount of child custody you can obtain.

It appears that the new guidelines up for consideration in the Arizona legislature are expected to result in very significant increases in child support obligations for those with child support orders.  It would also appear that the new methodology behind the potential changes in child support calculations are disconcerting even beyond our already suspect “income shares” methodology currently in place for most states.

Making matters worse, it seems that this issue has been so poorly publicized that very few people are really aware of what is potentially about to take place.  From the articles:

There have been only two poorly publicized public hearings on the guidelines in the four years they’ve been under consideration. Although the state was poised to implement them, word leaked out, a challenge was made and a four-month grace period allowed in which to raise challenges to the new rules. That period will end this October [2010].

Please educate yourselves by reading the following articles:

Arizona Poised to Radically Increase Child Support Payments

AZ’s New Child Support Guidelines Come from Deeply Flawed Analysis

Ellman Part II: Promoting Divorce

Please spread the word to fellow Arizonans - friends, family, neighbors.  Be sure to contact your Arizona state legislators and strongly, but respectfully, voice your opposition to such a change and request that they oppose it, too.  Additionally, you can lodge your own complaints and opposition at the following link:

Arizona Judicial Branch, CSGRC Comment Form

In our current disastrous economy, parents are suffering from job cutbacks and job losses not seen since The Great Depression.  It’s difficult enough for parents to get downward modifications of child support orders when that happens.  A change such as this not only is a disservice to current child support obligors, it will ultimately hurt the very people it purports to want to “help” - the children.

Though there are many high profile opponents of such a bill, such as the National Organization of Women and the Massachusetts Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Children, the reality remains that their objections are devoid of any meaningful legitimacy.

Opponents want to have people believe that such a bill automatically requires judges in family court to order 50/50 child custody or shared parenting.  Such a law would do no such thing.  Reasonable people understand that there are some parents who are unwilling to maintain an active role in children’s lives.  They understand that sometimes the logistical circumstances after divorce won’t allow for a reasonable 50/50 child custody or shared parenting situation to be achieved.  Sometimes there are other extenuating, provable adverse circumstances that would lead a court to rule that a 50/50 child custody arrangement or shared parenting situation.

Whatever the court ultimately rules, they would still be able to continue to rule based upon individual case circumstances.  However, the first order of business would be to consider whether it is reasonable and prudent to recommend that a 50/50 child custody order be put in place absent any meaningful reason not to.  Further, if the judge rules that 50/50 child custody is not appropriate, it requires the judge to document in the ruling the basis for not approving such a child custody arrangement.

To contact your Massachusetts State Legislator to urge him/her to support HB 1400 for shared parenting, click here: Find Your Massachusetts Legislator by City and Town.

Despite the doomsayers, shared parenting works, folks.  The reality is that in Massachusetts, the family court system still awards primary/sole physical custody to mothers over 80% of the time and relegates fathers to visitor status in their children’s lives.  By default, such decisions are not in the best interests of the children at all.  Children need both parents in their lives as much as is reasonable and prudent.  Children need both parents in their lives as much as those parents are ready, willing, and able to be there for them.  Shared parenting works absent meaningful reasons for it not to be the priority.

A rebuttable presumption of shared parenting by law will go a long way towards leveling the parenting field so that both parents can remain a meaningful part of their children’s lives even if the marriage fails.